When will it stop, make it stop.

All the chaos all the pain, make it stop. My life has become a shit show that spins out of control with every passing moment. Sure, I’m blessed, we’re all blessed but that’s not really the point. Blessings can be painful. Sweet, sweet pain why are you so near? I feel like King David, I love God but I’m so mad. I’m so blessed but I ache for an eternity. This place is not my home but my heart is rooted here. My soul is conflicted. I love the Lord but my daughter, I love her something fierce. Why do some people have to face the loss of losing a loved one that’s still living; meanwhile, others coast through life unscathed and at rest? Many people tell me I’m strong when in reality I’m just forced to be. I have no other option. Many people tell me I’m a fighter but can I ask: what would you do if your child was dying in front of your eyes? I’m at peace with making memories and living in the present with her enjoying each day, please don’t tell me to enjoy every moment. I do, every single one to the fullest. I’m not grieving for the future I’m trying to make it through the next minute. I’m grieving the current pain dwelling in me. Void, why are you so empty? Heart, why are you so big and forthcoming? I’m so weak and yet you, love on. Loving on looks like fighting for appointments, debating with doctors, collecting medical records, humbling myself and applying for assistance, changing the dirty diaper when I just; can’t, corresponding with all the people about meaningless jargon. All the things, opening my heart and pushing through to make it to the very next minute and even then: loving in my weariness…wondering…. Is it worth it, void? Is my pain, is my suffering, is my aching and longing and striving going to be enough to save her? Because, if not I give up now. Call me a quitter but my strength only reaches so far.

I can’t say this out loud, so I’ll type it here: what if I would’ve taken another path? What if I would have married another human? Lived someplace else? Pursued a different career? The “what ifs” keep me up at night. Most people would respond (my heart responds): “then you wouldn’t have your beautiful kids.” Let me ask you, void; is it better to have loved and lost or have never loved at all. That question haunts me. I don’t think I’d prefer one over the other but it’s where I’m at. It’s what we’re dealing with, friends. This question has overtaken me the last few weeks because I think the weight has finally crushed me. My shoulders are only so big but I feel like God keeps requiring things of me, life keeps begging me for more. It’s impossible to keep up. I’m crushed. My spirit, “myself” whoever that is, is lost. Void, you’re for real but you’re not going to destroy me. You won’t take me out. I’m fighting blindly, beaten down, and betrayed but I belong here and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stand up, I’ll show up, and I’ll press on through the loneliness and emptiness of this space between blessed and crushed. Thank you, void. Thank you for reminding me that even still; I need a savior.

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