This is where I live.

Lately, we’ve been living a life of hope. It’s been resounding in our hearts and at the grasps of our finger tips. We have hope, more so than we did a year ago. We have the freedom to believe God is willing and able to heal our girl, for good. We believe this, oh do we ever.

 

But we don’t live there.

People close to us wonder why we say things like: “Sawyer is losing her mind, daily” or “she’s dying”. They can’t comprehend it when we’ve been given the greatest gift we could possibly get: hope. We don’t say it out of disbelief. No, we say it out of belief of a plan bigger and greater than ourselves. See, if we insist that God does the miracle in the manner we expect Him too, we limit Him. We don’t ever want to overlook His power and presence in our lives. He’s given us so much peace in knowing that; come what may, He remains faithful. If we expect Him to heal her through our hope, we live there. We can’t live there because God forbid His plan is greater than I? What if His plan is to take our first born in order for Her story to touch lives? Make humans better? What if it’s for the greater good? What if her purpose was to point people to God and His greatness than to heal her body in this broken world. It’s a hard place to live but it’s reality. I can’t for one second try to control God. I’ve come to learn that trying to control Him only leads to devastation and destitute. It only leads to anxiousness and unforgiveness. See, if we expect God to do what we want; the minute He doesn’t deliver we become bitter and blame Him for our false expectations. I can’t live in unforgiveness. It only affects me and turns my soul into a monster.

We live in the hope that God sees the end of the story. He knows my pain, He knows yours. He can heal your pain in the midst of it. We’re so wounded, sometimes it makes us so jaded but we know His grace is limitless. We know His love is greater than our circumstances because He comforts us with it at each and every turn. We have to live in the facts, the present. She basically has Alzheimer’s and won’t make it past her early teens. Time is running out for her. Tests reveal that she’s slowly losing her mind. We have to take everything into consideration but believe that whatever it is: God is with us, Our hearts are camped out there. There’s hope in not knowing the end of the story. The peace is real and the strength comes forth from knowing that with every passing, painful moment; God is with us. Our hope is in Him and our Girl is loved so deeply by Him. My mind is fixed on that instead of the end game. I live in the peace that passes all understanding and knowledge of whatever will be, will be.

 

I beg you, whatever you’re going through don’t play the name it claim it game. Trust God to do His will in your life, with your greatest pain. I promise you; peace will overflow your heart and you’ll find an unconditional love when you put your hope in God instead of your circumstances, instead of your pain and fear. Know the stability of His grace and live each day knowing that in and through you, His will will be done. Set your mind on the realness of the diagnosis or devastation but recognize hope for what it is; a promise that God will never leave you through the storm.

My hope is in Him, no matter the journey, no matter the pain. He sees me, He hears me, He loves me. That’s enough.

One thought on “This is where I live.

  1. This is so beautiful, just as beautiful as you are Brittney… Your children are so lucky to have you as a mother. God bless all of you!

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