I’m sitting here waiting to “hear” or “feel” or “think up” some magical words to say. See, because everyone knows my life is a mess, that’s no secret. Everyone knows my house is messy and I don’t care about things most parents probably care about. Everyone knows my marriage isn’t perfect, everyone knows I’m just doing my best. But why do I feel like everyone expects me to be this brave, faithful soldier battling on in the midst of complete darkness. Forging ahead and coming out unscathed. Everyone expects my relationship with God to be in tact because that’s how it’s “always” been. I have all the faith. But what do I do because the reality is; it’s not. My faith is pretty much a site of destruction, a pile of ruble, a disaster of epic proportions. And if I’m being honest: I fake it until I make it. I mean, everything within me wants to be that faithful Christ follower, you know; the spirtitual one that goes where God “tells” me to go. How do I really know it was God, though? That’s my question. Like, here’s me stumbling around in the dark hoping to land on an idea that may resemble God or sound like something He’d say. I mean because let’s be real; He’s predictable, right? Always do the right thing, be good, be loving, do things out of your comfort zones and just trust God. I can tell you one thing: if I hear “just trust God” one more time, I may in fact jump off a bridge. I am trying to trust but it’s just to quiet, you know?
I don’t know if you can tell but I’m the kind of person that needs to talk things out. In my life, people have told me that’s just me and my control issues but I think it runs deeper. I think I just want a relationship. I want to chat, I like to chat. I probably like to chat too much. I want to be heard, to be understood, to be protected, and looked after. I can’t “just trust”, end of conversation, no more questions, no more discussion. I need more. I need conversation. So, here I sit contemplating a new thought. A thought that goes against everything the Church has taught me, something the Christian community may have missed.
God is speaking in the quiet. God is there in the silence. God hears me. He wants to hear me. It’s in the stillness and without all the noise that He’s giving me the chance to get to know Him. I may not hear Him but sometimes you just need to feel Him; in and through you. You need to “just trust” that He’s still there and He’s never going to let go. In those silent times, He’s giving me permission to talk, to download, to be: me. He doesn’t want anything from me in the silence. He doesn’t expect me to follow His orders like some robot. It’s in the times of quiet that He restores my heart, He makes me whole, He comforts me as I mourn, He holds my words close to His heart and wipes my tears. He doesn’t need me to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get it together. It’s in the quiet that I can tell Him I sometimes don’t trust Him. I sometimes am frustrated my daughter is fighting for her life. I’m mad because He’s not telling me what to do or where to be or how to be. He hears me in the silence. He even hears me when I’m silent. He hears with His heart and speaks with His love.
The beauty of not knowing: is simply, not knowing what to do but doing the something placed in front of you. It’s that simple. Because God is everywhere. He’s not limited by time and space. He sees all, the big picture, the small and He still chooses to sit with us in the silence to hear our roars. You may think He’s calling you to be a missionary in Africa and if you don’t listen your purpose is over. What you may not see is that God has entrusted you with a husband and kids and a job filled with hopeless, lost, coworkers that you could love day in and day out. See, sometimes I feel like we say God is calling me to this spiritual thing or that miraculous life because we’re scared to sit in the silence and be real with ourselves and with Him. We’re scared of “not” getting an answer and so we’re forced to see the pain in the quiet.
The quiet places are the hardest spaces but they’re the most enriching for your soul. You’re weary soul needs rest and He’s happy to provide the stillness, the quietness of His unending faithfulness.
So, here I sit…in complete darkness, resting in the silence and knowing all the while; I’m still so deeply loved by a good God.