Relationship with God.
It all seems too much. Really, really hard.
Never in my life have I struggled to get myself into a church building. Ever since I was a little girl I begged my parents to take me to the little country building with the steeple and stained glass windows. Something about that sacred place made me feel safe, free, closer to Jesus, and comforted. I didn’t understand it all as a little girl, I just knew that God lived there. It wasn’t until I was nearing my twelfth year in this life did I figure out God could live in my heart. That revelation transformed me. I revolved my life around this principal: God is the center and everything else will fall into place. I would have considered myself as a good Christian. I tithed, read my Bible, went to Bible studies, surrounded myself with christians alike, but even more than that; I knew God’s love for myself. Christianity never meant riding on the coat tails of my parents faith because let’s face it they were broken humans, it was this amazing covenant between Him and I. I’m not saying it was always a cakewalk, it wasn’t. I’m not saying I was always faithful, I failed. There was one thing I always knew to be true: God was ALWAYS with me, providing, walking through the desert times, and ever so near during the mountain top times.
I won’t mince words here, I don’t feel the nearness. I don’t feel the presence. I don’t even feel His love most days. I feel incredible sadness, loss, and hopelessness. I feel like it’s all for nothing. I honored God and lived my life for Him for the majority of it and then this happens, this diagnosis; God…really? It’s hard to even type or say out loud because I can hear, I can feel the judgement of those knee deep in Christianity. They’re doing all the right things just like I used to do but how did I get here when my faith was seemingly so strong?
I’m shipwrecked. I’m a mess. I don’t want to be just another person who fell off the bandwagon. I want to be real with you, I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m drowning in all the pain of what I thought a Christian looked like and what it actually is. I’ve been hurt by Christians in the season but I know it wasn’t intentional. I know it’s because I’m in the midst of this storm and they’re view is mountains and magnificence. I know everyone has their “hard places” they endure but this God, well it’s unbearable. It’s even more unbearable walking through it with people that say things like: “just trust God.” This sounds like a nice Christian thing to say to get people to realize He’s bigger than this and believe me, I know He is but it’s extremely unloving. In the midst of my shipwreck where I can’t see God, I can no longer feel Him, I need to learn how to trust him with this. I’ve always just had to trust God with finances, with my job, with passing tests, in my marriage, in friendships, but trusting Him with losing a child…that’s easier said than done.
I know I’ll get there, though. Don’t worry. It’s a learning curve for all of us. Someday’s, I’ll count my blessings and other days I’ll curse the world. God is still in my heart, He still abides within me and through me. Shipwrecked is a new thing for me and it requires me to be real. I go to church but I’m not sure if I believe it all. I worship God but sometimes my arms are far to weak to raise. I read my Bible but often times I don’t. I’m in the midst of this storm and the only thing I know is it’s not going to take me out.
What’s the thing in your life? Know that God is gracious and has endless amounts of patience for you. Know that within the storm and wild waves of life God is loving and sovereign. His love far outweighs the pains of this life but that doesn’t mean they aren’t real. The suffering is earthly, His love is eternal. Leaning into God and God alone will carry you from wave to wave and through storm after storm.
Sail on, dear friends.