Ed Scheeran and I have become best buds, at least where his musics concerned. Photograph, there’s something about that song that gets me every single time. Especially, the first few lines:
“Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it’s the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive.”
Pals, we were meant to love and to be loved. We were meant for this. We were meant for such a time as this. God wanted relation with us before time even began. It’s so true, yet so painful. We try to keep our love far from pain and near to joy. We try to protect our fragile little hearts in hopes that at the end of time they’ll be steadily, in tact. Lord knows why we do this. I mean these people that I love are going to fail me, they’re going to hurt me, and my least favorite; they’re going to leave me.
From the time I was little my love language, as in: how I feel loved, has always been quality time. I just like people near me, just being. I like conversation, consoling in one another, and living life with people. When I was thirteen years young that part of me was compromised. I quickly learned that people can’t always “just be” and life suddenly takes them from you. Life took my dad from me. Drunk driving, to be exact. It wrecked me. It stirred up this indescribable fear inside of me. I couldn’t imagine the injustice of people that I loved were being taken from me. One after another of my aunts and uncles and grandma and grandpa and brother. They just kept leaving this earth and leaving me in pain. Loving can hurt sometimes or maybe a lot of times. My heart has seen loving pain.
Love pains grow deep within you as you quickly and forcefully grow deeper and deeper for people in your sphere. I believe this can even happen with people that are still in front of your face and have yet to leave this earth. Love pains are hard, painful, messy, complicated, hurtful aches. Can I just be a little honest here, my ache is for my family. My nuclear, sweet little family.
I have love pains for my husband. I long for the day when our relationship doesn’t revolve around a sick and dying child. It longs for deep, meaningful conversations instead of keeping scores of duties done. It longs for sweetness instead of bitterness. My heart longs for him to know I’m in this, forever. Let’s do this together. It’s bursting with a void he can’t fill but a need only he can meet.
My Zion. I have love pains for him that he won’t have to be an inocent bistander to the suffering we’ll all face. My heart beats for his future, his bright amazing future. I long for Him to know his purpose in this world. I long for him to know he’s loved, deeply with no strings attached. My pain births airplane parenting for this one and I pray to God he makes it through with me and for me.
Sawyer. My beautiful, beloved girl. I always wanted a girl. My mom did so good with me. She made me believe I was beautiful. She conveyed confidence and reflected it onto me. She made me into her little princess and loved me every single step of the way. I so wanted this for my little girl. I want to do so many things, big and small. I want to teach her the ways of Holiness and love instead of the ways of this tragic world. I wanted to do life with her. She’d be my best friend, my forever little girl. But we all know how the story ends without a cure. So, here I go campaigning for my broken girl and my aching heart.
See, I’m no stranger to pain and I’m definitely no stranger to love that hurts like hell. I’m sure you’re not either, right? But can I tell you, it’s the only kind of love I want to give and it’s the only kind of love I’ll ever receive. I want to give this love to mankind. The world needs to know the painful love. The love that hurts and is messy and takes work like a boss. I’ll tell you right now; this is the only kind of love worth living for it’s the only thing that makes you feel alive. If anyone or anything offers anything less it’s not love at all. It’s a false version of a cultivated reality that surely is the very thing that created suffering. Pain is inevitable but it’s real. Real, is love. This love is permanent in your heart and is the only thing you should fight for and with. It’s so painful to write this. Lately, has been no cakewalk. Pain has been all too near as hope for a future is at my grasp. I’m scared, yet trusting. I feel loved, yet frightened and that’s entirely okay because real, well it’s all I’ve got. This love I know, it’ll get me by. These love pains are tangible evidence of God’s everloving grace in my life. Through and through, He loves you.